This is a very good start and the detail is quite satisfying. However, my advice would be to space out the paragraphs in a format that is much easier on the eyes. Fanfictions are usually written with a single space in between each paragraph. Oh, and are you looking for a beta? There were very few mistakes (mostly shifting verb tenses, but I thought I saw one misspelled word and a comma error), anyway, I could help if you'd like. On the whole, the story is interesting and I'd like to see what happens.